I'm on my sixth day of my plan to reduce my substance use and it's going really well. Putting myself in control of keeping it to a set limit is feeling quite empowering. I'm doing something I never thought I could, controlling it. Now, don't get me wrong, I have no delusions that I have beat addiction and can now control my use. What I am feeling empowered by is being able to make myself stick to this, and not just throw it out the window the first craving I get. I have thought about it a lot, even planned it a few times, yet somehow always managed to stick to what I'm allowed. For some reason, knowing I can cheat if I want also takes away the panic I feel when I have nothing left. It's actually when I know I'm running low that I always feel the need to use more and more. Having a back up has helped with that so far. Addiction truly is a mind game.
I have noticed some interesting things since I have been reducing. Most of the time, using makes me feel awful if I really pay attention. During the day, especially in the morning, it makes me anxious and restless. It gives me terrible stomach aches and I always feel like I'm going to throw up. Then when I start to come down a little I feel dead tired and can hardly keep my eyes open. At night it makes me feel sad and depressed. It keeps me locked in my circling head, and makes the outside world seem distant. Funny, all these years I thought I used to avoid my inner chaos, now I see that it really just keeps me stuck inside my head.
And yet, knowing all of this, my first reaction to each symptom is to cure it by smoking more. Also, as soon as I start to smoke, it doesn't matter how high I am, it's not enough. I just need "one more".
I'm trying to be truly aware of how it's effecting me physically and emotionally, and don't like most of what I see. I often sit here wondering what it is exactly that I do like and feel I need about this. Most of the time I can't come up with any sort of answer.....
..... But I still do it, still obsess about it, plan my day around it...need it.
And that my friends is the curse of addiction.