I realized something powerful today. I have been fighting so hard in school to be able to see things the way everyone else did. And I just can't. I don't see the world the same way, everything changes depending on what part of me I am in that moment. Colours, shapes, light, dark all that is fluid for me. I get so confused.
Today I just broke. In oil class we got to go outside and just relax, pick a quiet spot, sketch what we saw, then paint it. It should have been wonderful. But, I got so upset trying to be able to draw the trees in front of me the way everyone else saw them. The way the world as a whole would understand a tree to be. I couldn't do it. I fell apart. Normally I am quite good at crying silently, straight faced, and just continuing. But I couldn't, I bolted.
A good friend was standing just a few feet away like an angel. We hid in a corner and I fell apart until I could finally go back. When I did I felt so defeated, I gave up completely. I just painted how the tree felt to me. Cuz that is the only thing I know.
When we went back to class I was still just holding on by a thread. And I didn't realize that we were going to go over them all. Mine was close to the end, and as I looked at all the others, and heard what was being said about them I broke again. And bolted for the second time, this really was becoming a bad habit. And one I needed to get under control quick. This is not how I wanted school to be. I don't want to be "too sick" again this time.
As I was wandering blindly down the hall, one of my teachers from the summer caught me and sat me down and talked to me. After she calmed me down yet again, I went back to class. More defeated than the first time. I was sure I was going to quit. I didn't belong here at all.....
.... And after I snuck back into class my teacher took me aside and told me she liked my painting. That she could feel emotion in it. She showed it to the class and said something about how it looked good no matter which way you turned it. All I could think was that it you couldn't tell it was a tree no matter which way it went. I figured she felt sorry for me, and was trying to make me feel better...
...tonight I got the most beautiful email from her. She truly did like my painting. And really didn't care that it wasn't right, or what she had asked for. It didn't matter. It was still good. And, that I really did belong! So, now for the countless time today, I am crying uncontrollably. But, I'm not trying to control it. These are tears of joy and relief. Today has really been about me being broken down enough inside to let go, and just give in. Surrender.