what i find interesting is that i actually have accommodations so that if i need extra time with assignments, i can ask for it. but i don't i have once, for a history paper, which i still haven't done. i'm so determined to prove i can do this like a "normal" person. no that's not quite right, i am determined to prove that i am not the person i used to be, and i can handle this, and be successful. but somehow that equates in my mind to not asking for help. i suppose i'm wanting to not be the exception in the class. or in life. i want to be able to be well enough to be put on an equal plane because i never have been.
It's been quite awhile since i wrote. i have been so swamped with school work. i just can't seem to keep caught up with it. i don't mean to leave it all to the last minute, but its taking me so long to do each assignment that everyday i have to focus on just what is due tomorrow. the next thing i know, i have 7 drawings to do in one night. it's not that i'm putting it off, i'm just so lost in it all. i have everything written down, charts and lists all over my house, books, and locker, but i'm still cramming. i'm so exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally; it's taking me way too much time on weekends just to recoup. i've started to turn to artificial energy, i always drink far too much coffee, but now i'm using energy drinks. and i'm fighting the urge to order a couple bottles of my uppers online. they are still technically legal in canada, but very hard to find because they have been taken out of most stores. i know i don't want to go back to that. i know how bad it turned out for me before. i just have to fight through. i will get used to it, i will adjust, i will manage....right?
what i find interesting is that i actually have accommodations so that if i need extra time with assignments, i can ask for it. but i don't i have once, for a history paper, which i still haven't done. i'm so determined to prove i can do this like a "normal" person. no that's not quite right, i am determined to prove that i am not the person i used to be, and i can handle this, and be successful. but somehow that equates in my mind to not asking for help. i suppose i'm wanting to not be the exception in the class. or in life. i want to be able to be well enough to be put on an equal plane because i never have been.
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...............................but I wasn't!I was shocked when I realized that it didn't bother me at all. And actually, I was surprised to find that in many ways, I was much smaller than I thought I was. I still see myself the same way I did 120lbs ago.
Today my friend and I worked on our sculpture assignment. We have to make full, life sized packing tape sculptures of a person in a dynamic pose. We came up with a kick ass idea, but it involved using our own bodies as molds.
I realized something powerful today. I have been fighting so hard in school to be able to see things the way everyone else did. And I just can't. I don't see the world the same way, everything changes depending on what part of me I am in that moment. Colours, shapes, light, dark all that is fluid for me. I get so confused. Today I just broke. In oil class we got to go outside and just relax, pick a quiet spot, sketch what we saw, then paint it. It should have been wonderful. But, I got so upset trying to be able to draw the trees in front of me the way everyone else saw them. The way the world as a whole would understand a tree to be. I couldn't do it. I fell apart. Normally I am quite good at crying silently, straight faced, and just continuing. But I couldn't, I bolted. A good friend was standing just a few feet away like an angel. We hid in a corner and I fell apart until I could finally go back. When I did I felt so defeated, I gave up completely. I just painted how the tree felt to me. Cuz that is the only thing I know. When we went back to class I was still just holding on by a thread. And I didn't realize that we were going to go over them all. Mine was close to the end, and as I looked at all the others, and heard what was being said about them I broke again. And bolted for the second time, this really was becoming a bad habit. And one I needed to get under control quick. This is not how I wanted school to be. I don't want to be "too sick" again this time. As I was wandering blindly down the hall, one of my teachers from the summer caught me and sat me down and talked to me. After she calmed me down yet again, I went back to class. More defeated than the first time. I was sure I was going to quit. I didn't belong here at all..... .... And after I snuck back into class my teacher took me aside and told me she liked my painting. That she could feel emotion in it. She showed it to the class and said something about how it looked good no matter which way you turned it. All I could think was that it you couldn't tell it was a tree no matter which way it went. I figured she felt sorry for me, and was trying to make me feel better... ...tonight I got the most beautiful email from her. She truly did like my painting. And really didn't care that it wasn't right, or what she had asked for. It didn't matter. It was still good. And, that I really did belong! So, now for the countless time today, I am crying uncontrollably. But, I'm not trying to control it. These are tears of joy and relief. Today has really been about me being broken down enough inside to let go, and just give in. Surrender. I made it through 2 days without drugs. Which isn't a huge accomplishment on it's own, I have done it before many times. This, however, is the first time I have done it without going to detox or ending up in the psych ward. It surprises me how much easier it seems this time. I mean, physically I feel like I have the world's worst flu, and I cry at the drop of a hat, but I haven't had the overwhelming self destructive urges that have been the norm in the past.
There were moments today where I felt like the whole room was spinning, the floor was floating, I felt like I would pass out, or vomit...but I didn't. And, no matter how much I thought I just couldn't go another moment, I did, and another, and another. And finally, I made it to my last class, which had been the reward for my whole day. I got to sit and just escape from my brain and my body, and focus on the colours transforming on the palette in front of me. I got lost in their richness, the subtle, almost unnoticeable, changes as I mixed little by little, until almost like magic, it suddenly became the colour I was seeking. Everything drifted. It was just me and the colours. They didn't care how shaky I was, I didn't have to hide my tears from them, they allowed me to manipulate them until they blended into exactly what I wanted. The only perfection I have experienced in quite awhile. And, even if it wasn't the colour I was intending, it was completely perfect being exactly what it was. It didn't need to pretend to be anything it wasn't. In that moment the colours became what I had always wanted to be, completely different parts, perfect on their own, but also could be joined together to create another, equally perfect whole. They could be complete, together or alone....they were whole and one, no matter what state they were in. I know my battle with addictions is not over, whether it's substances, self harm, eating disorders, or any other I find in the moment. I only know that for today, I managed what I thought was impossible. I went through and entire day, functioned at school,pushed myself past what I thought were my limits, and I did it clean. I fully expect that I will use again. I'm in school for the first time in 10 years, that alone I always believed was impossible for me. And things are gonna feel completely overwhelming and impossible, and in those moments I will cling to the familiar. BUT, now I know I am capable of doing it, and every moment I stay clean is another moment I can go back to in the hard times and say " See, you CAN do it." I remember clearly the day when I was about 16, sitting in an office with my mother and my psychiatrist at the time, and him telling my mom I would be dead in a year. No one, most especially myself, expected me to do anything in life, or survive into adult hood, and yet, here I am, and for the first time in my life, I'm not looking for a way out. The struggles I'm facing The chances I'm taking Sometimes might knock me down But no, I'm not breaking.... .....Ain't about how fast I get there Ain't about what's waiting on the other side It's the climb Working on my art history report today was brutal. I have spent 15 hours on it so far, and still am no where near getting it done. And it's due on Tuesday. What surprised me, is that I was actually able to make myself sit down and work on it all weekend. Actually, the fact that I have spent all weekend doing homework astounds me. I have never been one to do my assignments, and that was one of the biggest things holding me back from trying school again. I had zero faith in myself to have the self discipline to complete anything. The massive struggle and internal battle to finish my English course this summer has boosted my confidence in myself. I know now that if i just force myself, over and over, I will eventually get it done, no matter how impossible and overwhelming it may seem at first. I'm hoping that is the same case here. Although time is ticking way too quickly for my liking
Something else even more miraculous happened today. I have run out of my drug of choice. One that I have not been able to get through a day without in years pretty much, except for a few brief periods of clean time. Normally the cravings send me spinning, wanting to self destruct completely. But not today! The school assignments have kept my focused, and I am finding them much easier to do (go figure). The sketching calms me, and slows my racing mind. Today hasn't been an exercise in white knuckling it. There has been a huge freedom in the moments I stop what I am doing and notice that I haven't even thought about using for a couple hours. It is not taking me over. I am not under the impression that this will be the way it is always. But for today, I feel like I have really conquered the day, and most importantly, my own urges and mental roadblocks. |