I made it through 2 days without drugs. Which isn't a huge accomplishment on it's own, I have done it before many times. This, however, is the first time I have done it without going to detox or ending up in the psych ward. It surprises me how much easier it seems this time. I mean, physically I feel like I have the world's worst flu, and I cry at the drop of a hat, but I haven't had the overwhelming self destructive urges that have been the norm in the past.
There were moments today where I felt like the whole room was spinning, the floor was floating, I felt like I would pass out, or vomit...but I didn't. And, no matter how much I thought I just couldn't go another moment, I did, and another, and another. And finally, I made it to my last class, which had been the reward for my whole day. I got to sit and just escape from my brain and my body, and focus on the colours transforming on the palette in front of me. I got lost in their richness, the subtle, almost unnoticeable, changes as I mixed little by little, until almost like magic, it suddenly became the colour I was seeking. Everything drifted. It was just me and the colours. They didn't care how shaky I was, I didn't have to hide my tears from them, they allowed me to manipulate them until they blended into exactly what I wanted. The only perfection I have experienced in quite awhile. And, even if it wasn't the colour I was intending, it was completely perfect being exactly what it was. It didn't need to pretend to be anything it wasn't. In that moment the colours became what I had always wanted to be, completely different parts, perfect on their own, but also could be joined together to create another, equally perfect whole. They could be complete, together or alone....they were whole and one, no matter what state they were in. I know my battle with addictions is not over, whether it's substances, self harm, eating disorders, or any other I find in the moment. I only know that for today, I managed what I thought was impossible. I went through and entire day, functioned at school,pushed myself past what I thought were my limits, and I did it clean. I fully expect that I will use again. I'm in school for the first time in 10 years, that alone I always believed was impossible for me. And things are gonna feel completely overwhelming and impossible, and in those moments I will cling to the familiar. BUT, now I know I am capable of doing it, and every moment I stay clean is another moment I can go back to in the hard times and say " See, you CAN do it." I remember clearly the day when I was about 16, sitting in an office with my mother and my psychiatrist at the time, and him telling my mom I would be dead in a year. No one, most especially myself, expected me to do anything in life, or survive into adult hood, and yet, here I am, and for the first time in my life, I'm not looking for a way out. The struggles I'm facing The chances I'm taking Sometimes might knock me down But no, I'm not breaking.... .....Ain't about how fast I get there Ain't about what's waiting on the other side It's the climb Working on my art history report today was brutal. I have spent 15 hours on it so far, and still am no where near getting it done. And it's due on Tuesday. What surprised me, is that I was actually able to make myself sit down and work on it all weekend. Actually, the fact that I have spent all weekend doing homework astounds me. I have never been one to do my assignments, and that was one of the biggest things holding me back from trying school again. I had zero faith in myself to have the self discipline to complete anything. The massive struggle and internal battle to finish my English course this summer has boosted my confidence in myself. I know now that if i just force myself, over and over, I will eventually get it done, no matter how impossible and overwhelming it may seem at first. I'm hoping that is the same case here. Although time is ticking way too quickly for my liking
Something else even more miraculous happened today. I have run out of my drug of choice. One that I have not been able to get through a day without in years pretty much, except for a few brief periods of clean time. Normally the cravings send me spinning, wanting to self destruct completely. But not today! The school assignments have kept my focused, and I am finding them much easier to do (go figure). The sketching calms me, and slows my racing mind. Today hasn't been an exercise in white knuckling it. There has been a huge freedom in the moments I stop what I am doing and notice that I haven't even thought about using for a couple hours. It is not taking me over. I am not under the impression that this will be the way it is always. But for today, I feel like I have really conquered the day, and most importantly, my own urges and mental roadblocks. |