I made it through 2 days without drugs. Which isn't a huge accomplishment on it's own, I have done it before many times. This, however, is the first time I have done it without going to detox or ending up in the psych ward. It surprises me how much easier it seems this time. I mean, physically I feel like I have the world's worst flu, and I cry at the drop of a hat, but I haven't had the overwhelming self destructive urges that have been the norm in the past.
There were moments today where I felt like the whole room was spinning, the floor was floating, I felt like I would pass out, or vomit...but I didn't. And, no matter how much I thought I just couldn't go another moment, I did, and another, and another. And finally, I made it to my last class, which had been the reward for my whole day. I got to sit and just escape from my brain and my body, and focus on the colours transforming on the palette in front of me. I got lost in their richness, the subtle, almost unnoticeable, changes as I mixed little by little, until almost like magic, it suddenly became the colour I was seeking. Everything drifted. It was just me and the colours. They didn't care how shaky I was, I didn't have to hide my tears from them, they allowed me to manipulate them until they blended into exactly what I wanted. The only perfection I have experienced in quite awhile. And, even if it wasn't the colour I was intending, it was completely perfect being exactly what it was. It didn't need to pretend to be anything it wasn't. In that moment the colours became what I had always wanted to be, completely different parts, perfect on their own, but also could be joined together to create another, equally perfect whole. They could be complete, together or alone....they were whole and one, no matter what state they were in.
I know my battle with addictions is not over, whether it's substances, self harm, eating disorders, or any other I find in the moment. I only know that for today, I managed what I thought was impossible. I went through and entire day, functioned at school,pushed myself past what I thought were my limits, and I did it clean. I fully expect that I will use again. I'm in school for the first time in 10 years, that alone I always believed was impossible for me. And things are gonna feel completely overwhelming and impossible, and in those moments I will cling to the familiar. BUT, now I know I am capable of doing it, and every moment I stay clean is another moment I can go back to in the hard times and say " See, you CAN do it."
I remember clearly the day when I was about 16, sitting in an office with my mother and my psychiatrist at the time, and him telling my mom I would be dead in a year. No one, most especially myself, expected me to do anything in life, or survive into adult hood, and yet, here I am, and for the first time in my life, I'm not looking for a way out.
There were moments today where I felt like the whole room was spinning, the floor was floating, I felt like I would pass out, or vomit...but I didn't. And, no matter how much I thought I just couldn't go another moment, I did, and another, and another. And finally, I made it to my last class, which had been the reward for my whole day. I got to sit and just escape from my brain and my body, and focus on the colours transforming on the palette in front of me. I got lost in their richness, the subtle, almost unnoticeable, changes as I mixed little by little, until almost like magic, it suddenly became the colour I was seeking. Everything drifted. It was just me and the colours. They didn't care how shaky I was, I didn't have to hide my tears from them, they allowed me to manipulate them until they blended into exactly what I wanted. The only perfection I have experienced in quite awhile. And, even if it wasn't the colour I was intending, it was completely perfect being exactly what it was. It didn't need to pretend to be anything it wasn't. In that moment the colours became what I had always wanted to be, completely different parts, perfect on their own, but also could be joined together to create another, equally perfect whole. They could be complete, together or alone....they were whole and one, no matter what state they were in.
I know my battle with addictions is not over, whether it's substances, self harm, eating disorders, or any other I find in the moment. I only know that for today, I managed what I thought was impossible. I went through and entire day, functioned at school,pushed myself past what I thought were my limits, and I did it clean. I fully expect that I will use again. I'm in school for the first time in 10 years, that alone I always believed was impossible for me. And things are gonna feel completely overwhelming and impossible, and in those moments I will cling to the familiar. BUT, now I know I am capable of doing it, and every moment I stay clean is another moment I can go back to in the hard times and say " See, you CAN do it."
I remember clearly the day when I was about 16, sitting in an office with my mother and my psychiatrist at the time, and him telling my mom I would be dead in a year. No one, most especially myself, expected me to do anything in life, or survive into adult hood, and yet, here I am, and for the first time in my life, I'm not looking for a way out.