I've come to an important realization; had a "lightbulb moment" if you will. For a long time I have struggled with this huge sense of anxiety whenever I had to do something, whether it was leaving the house for an appt, doing an art assignment, or say, having to do dishes or get dressed. I would always put things off, constantly clock watching, and battling a mounting pit of dread in my stomach.
I always thought this horrible feeling came from a fear of what I had to do, but I was wrong. It's actually this overwhelming restlessness. My mind circles, rehearsing or planning what it is I'm about to do, and I get on edge as I watch time tick by, not because the event is drawing near, but because I am spending so much nervous energy trying to not do it.
I decided to test this theory the past day or two. When an idea came into my head, I would actually just get up and do it. That's what spurred me to start up this blog again. I have tornados of things storming through my mind that I'm afraid I will forget, or things I want to tell ppl, it goes on and on. Well, instead of spending the energy to let them swirl, I'm going to start throwing them out into the abyss that is the internet.
This has also led to a new strategy for me to quit using my drug of choice. I'm going to post a massive piece of brown craft paper on my wall, and everytime and idea pops into my head of something I want to do, I'm going to scrawl it on my "wall". Then as I'm working on a strict weaning plan as well, everytime I want to use, I can as long as it is in the daily limit I have set, BUT I first have to go work on something from the list.
Even just trying this today I have accomplished a ton of stuff, some of which I have been putting off for months, perhaps years. And more than anything, I have found and new motivation and excitement in life!
I do want to put in a bit of a disclaimer here for the addict who may potentially read this. Quitting your drug completely,"cold turkey" as they say, is ALWAYS the most ideal situation. 99% of the time, it will just be too hard to resist if that place of release is within your grasp. What may be even more harmful is that it is keeping your mind clouded and under the drug's control. It is ONLY after trying that method for a solid decade and finding myself at a point where I had to accept that for me, right now,in this moment, being who I am right now; that strategy just isn't working for me. That leaves me trying every way I can come up with until eventually I find the combinations of ones that do. Trust me, the conventional way is much easier and has a far better success rate.
And here ends the lecture LOL
For today, I feel such a relief and peace going to bed with a feeling that I truly made progress, not only in the outside things that I have been meaning to do for ages, but also in my use. And perhaps, most importantly, to banishing this debilitating belief I have had of myself all these years that I will never have the motivation, drive, and self-discipline to keep up with anything. It never mattered what it was, cleaning a house, doing homework, practicing a hobby... living another day... I always felt it was hopeless to try because I was too lazy to make myself do it.
So, even if just in this moment, just this one night, I have done something to change this core belief, then I will sleep in peace and with a quieted mind.... Well... As quiet as it could be with 3 other residents in there!